How many weeks has it been since you last updated this blog? 1 month? Two months? THREE MONTHS? (Imagine me speaking this to you in a Amrish Puri – may his soul rest in peace – voice). Not cool man, total gandu-panti happening here…

Okay, jokes aside, I’ll be updating this blog often. More often. There are a ton of chutiyas in our sad little world, and I hope to appease them all one day by giving them the coveted, honorable position of the daily chutiya.

Peace out bitches..

13 May 2009,

Dear Sreesanth,

We’re writing this letter to inform you that in the recently concluded Kings XI Punjab vs. Deccan Chargers match, you once again demonstrated the kind of behavior that may very well win you our award for Chutiya of the Day at this website. Despite repeated requests, you continue to abuse batsmen when they hit you to the boundary (which happens at least thrice an over), and when they retaliate, you lose your cool and act like a general ass.

Please refer to the earlier incident when you were hammered for three sixes in an over by Matthew Hayden, and you chose to make your comeback with some choice words directed at a man twice your body weight. Needless to say, behavior like that is highly likely to land you in the hospital one day, and if not, at least on our Chutiya of the Day list.

You’ve sledged Sachin Tendulkar in a Challenger Trophy match, hurled your bat like Hanuman’s Gada after clobbering Brett Lee for a six, been slapped by Sardarji for no reason at all. We honestly believe that you’ve had ample chances to reform, but you, Sreesanth, perennial ass, continue to make a fool of yourself and this proud but idiotic country.

For this reason, we’re left with no options but to give you over Chutiya of the Day award.

Congratulations.

Sincerely,

ChutiyaOfTheDay.com Staff

Not probably him, but I'll use this pic anyway until I get hit with a libel suit.

To,

The Guy in Front of Me at McDonalds Yesterday.

Hey, dude, fi you’re reading this. Congrats on being the gigantic asshole that you are. Do you know there’s something called a ‘Queue’ (look it up, idiot), and that the basic concept behind it is that you follow the person in front of you until your turn comes to order burgers/pay bills/buy gorceries. Is that a too difficult concept to understand? Or were you raised as a lonely child by your mom and dad and never got a hug?

But whatever it is. You don’t bump into me, then nudge me to the side, take my place in the McD queue to order a coke. A coke! Who the fuck comes to McD to buy a coke? If you want a coke, buy it from the dozens of grocery shops strewn throughout this country. And if you do want a coke from McD, DON’T BREAK THE QUEUE GODDAMNIT.

You’re probably feeling pretty bad from the verbal thrashing I gave you at McD itself, but here’s more to you: you win out Chutiya of the Day award.

Varun Gandhi is a good looking, charming, fair (so, so important in India) young man who also has the advantage of being the possessor of the finest last name in India. I’m pretty sure mum Maneka must be receiving at least a 100 proposals for marriage for her fine specimen of mankind of a son.

But oh, wait. That wouldn’t happen. Because Varun is the other Gandhi. The ugly step-child of the Gandhis whose mom was driven out of her mom-in-laws place and destituted after the death of pitaji Sanjay Gandhi. So poor lad Varun had to spend his youth looking with tremendous jealousy at the Rahul Gandhi-Sonia Gandhi parivar as they took up all the power and money, while his own family was discarded to the second rung of the BJP.

And I can guess that’s what made him the idiot angry young man he’s become today. Varun, dude, I can sympathize with you for all the ill-treatment you’ve received and all, but please, man, stop being the bigot Hindu He-Man you’re so desperate to become. Do you know anything of your legacy? Of your father’s legacy? Do you want to follow in pitaji Sanjay’s steps and inherit the title of India’s Finest Thug/Grandmaster Gunda? Why, bro, why do you feel it necessary to diss and incite communal sentiments for a few votes? I though that was reserve to supreme idiots like the Shri Rama Sena.

For your hate speeches, for your constant stubborness (isn’t that a misnomer? Stubborness is alwasys constant by nature…) to see and understand the impact of your idiocy, we think you deserve the Chutiya of the Day award.

Peace.

Once again, we have another UP Chief Minister as our ‘chutiya of the day’.

I’ve lived in UP for four years of my life – two years in Agra, two in Lucknow. UP wallahas then seemed like a pretty genial, nice race. They went to work on time, watched the same daily soaps as my mom, had similar jobs like my father…the difference, I suppose, is when the time comes for them to vote. For UP wallahas have shown time and again that they have the brains of a tadpole when it comes to voting.

I mean, how can you explain Mulayam Singh Yadav (and not to mention Amar ‘Dhalla’ Singh), then Mayawati becoming the CM of the state?

When I was in Lucknow about 10 years back, Mayawati had just started construction on a gigantic Ambedkar park. Great for dalit upliftiment! Instead of actually giving them jobs and an education, dear Behenji decides to build a Rs. 10,000 crore park where they can walk with their girlfriends while munching pop corn. Yay!

No, seriously, is there any one single politician who is more outrightly corrupt than Mayawati? Now, apparently, she’s building a ‘Dalit Memorial’ (in memory of all the strarving dalits, I hope) that has a 1 crore police-chowki.

You read that right. 1 crore police post. And that’s Lucknow we’re talking of, where construction material or land aren’t as cheap as, say, Gurgaon or Bombay. Granite floors, marble facade…man, the hawaldars over there sure have the bling!

For your constant disregard for decency and rules, Ms. Mayawati, we give you our Chutiya of the Day award. Thank you very much.

We don’t really have any politics as such – we’re brazenly apolitical that way. We don’t really care if its LK Advani or Manu Singh, or Gangu Nai who becomes the next PM. But if I were to choose any one single guy to be the PM, it would have to be LK Advani.

I mean, seriously. This guy, for all his 82+ years of age, has shown time and again that he is a man of ‘action’, that he is strong and can take down at least half a dozen Pakistani gundas with one karate chop.

Don’t believe me? Check out the above picture taken from the numerous advertisements he has got sprayed throughout the internet (thus showing him to be completely in touch with the younger, Savita Bhabhi watching population), in which he clearly shows an advanced karate move (the Forward Chop of The Dancing Tiger).

See the similarities? Advani has copied Bruce Lee’s hand-motion perfectly. I’m pretty sure Bruce Lee’s ghost is shedding tears of blood in heaven, but Mr. Advani, can you please explain the motive behind putting up such a grossly idiotic picture of yourself on advertisements throughout the internet? What were you thinking? That by showing yourself in an ‘active’ stance, you’ll tell people how much of a man of action you really are, as opposed to our dear Sardarji who just sits in his library and reads economic journals?

Come on LK. You know better than that. For this reason, we can’t help but award you with our Chutiya of the Day title.

When you’ve been the minister of Uttar Pradesh, you’ve already mastered all the arts required to be a maha-chutiya. Mulayam Singh Yadav, regularly identified with Mr. Amar Singh, threw a tantrum in a polling booth yesterday after the polling officer (our salute to him!) did his job and refused to allow more than one security guard inside the polling booth.

You see Mulayam, there’s actually something called the ‘Law’ in this country. Now its understandable that you and your entire state population hardly knows anythng about this ‘law’ thing and cares to follow it less than the number of times it bathes in an year (which is about thrice/year), but this ‘law’ thing clearly states that more than one security guard cannot be allowed inside a polling booth with any voter. And when the polling officer is brave enough to remind your assholiness that your entire z-plus security detail cannot fit inside the booth, you, in trademark UP fashion, tell him that, ‘dude, this state is frickin mine, I run the shoe, go screw yourself’ (no, he literally said, ‘hum is pradesh ke mukhya mantri reh chuke hain, humein kanoon mat sikhao’).

Congratulations Mr. Yadav, for your efforts to do what we’ve always associated you with doing (i.e., being an ass), we’ll give you our Chutiya Of The Day award.

Ojha Baba, wtf did you do yesterday in the Rajasthan Royals match against Kingfisher team? The whole incident involving Le Carsediene when you simply refused to look at him and instead gaze somewhere betweeen the grass and the cheerleaders near the fence? Why the forlorn, confused look? I know you were surprised yourself that you could actually score two half centuries back to back – believe me, we’re as surprised – but come on dude, that’s basic Cricket 101 we’re talking here. The idiot hyperactive kids who storm my gully everyday to play cricket with tennis balls know better than to turn your back onto your batting partner.

And dude, I’m a Royals fan – I’m from Jaipur myself – and if tomorrow Jaipur lose cause Carseldiene decided to kick your ass (have you seen the size of that guy? I wouldn’t touch him with an Agni missile if I were you) and the team dressing room is a fractured mess, I’m gonna take a loan of a few hundred grand from my always broke bro and fly down to South Africa myself to bitchslap you in the face. I’m serious. Deadly, fuckin’ serious.

For your antics, I have no option but to award you the title of Chutiya Of The Day